Cindercloud one shot
by centi the yaoi hime
Summary: um, this is really REALLY stupid, so if you like stupid stuff *by stupid I mean indescribably so* go ahead and read on!


Disclaimer!!!  Final Fantasy does NOT belong to me, the rights belong to Squaresoft…at least if I'm not completely dumb that's sorta right…ANYWAYS, if you didn't know that Final Fantasy doesn't belong to me, then I dun know where you've been for the last forever.  Other characters featured in this story are people I actually know…yeah I'm a freak.  Technically I wrote this fic for a small group of people known as the Retarts of AMERICA but its possible you might actually enjoy this.  If you are warped and twisted enough to laugh at the stupidity contained in this fic, congrats!  You share the mindset of the RETARTS OF AMERICA *p.s. go ahead and be offended by that word, but I'm warning you its all over in this fic…and its spelled wrong on purpose also!

**Cinder-Cloud,**

**Featuring select members of the Retarts of America, **

**Sephiroth, Cloud, and Mike's Mom**

            Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Cloud, who loved her Father very much.  A time came when her father was to marry a new woman…this woman was Mike's Mom.  At first Cloud was excited to be getting a new mom, and two sisters, Sephiroth and Ben.  His mind was changed when they arrived.   Mike's Mom was a horrendous creature with long octopus like tentacles and buckteeth.  At least she was nice to him…at first.

            Shortly after the marriage, Cloud's beloved father died.  Mike's Mom changed completely, becoming vile and violent.  Even worse was his sister Sephiroth.  (Interjection by Sephy:  WHY THE HELL AM I IN A DRESS?!?!?)  Some years past and over time the girl became nothing more than a maid.  On top of that, Ben had taken a liking to the name Cindercloud…because during the maid's free time she enjoyed sitting, reading by the fire, (Cloud can read?) and the cinders would come in and stain her face.  

            "CINDERCLOUD!" Mike's Mom called as her tentacles swayed like a purple on a mountain of moldy cottage cheese.  "Brink me MORE hot water!"

            "HAI…ch-chotto matte kudasai!" Cloud desperately grabbed the kettle with her bare hands, burning herself.

            "Cindercloud!" Ben screamed, "The search for Mike's Mom continues…where is she?"

            "Upstairs!" she shouted, trying desperately to get the water to her.  He was distracted by his sister, Sephiroth's, arms reaching around her.  (interjection #2:  I WOULDN'T TOUCH THAT RETARTED RETART IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!)  Hey there Cindercloud, got any carrots?

            Cloud beat Sephiroth with a dead dog roasting in burnt peanut butter.  "THAT WAS LAST YEAR…do you have to keep teasing me about it (you dun want to understand this joke)…but I have purple crayons."  Sephiroth drew a sword from his black trench coat and aimed it at Cindercloud.

            "MOTHER!" she screamed grinning, "she's doing it again!'

            Cloud blinked clueless; what was she doing?  She screamed as she realized the hot water was all over her.

            "Where's my hot water?"  She couldn't tell Mike's Mom it was all over the floor so she did the only thing she could think of, and began to chew on her foot like a this is getting old in a box full of cut that out!"  Sephiroth walked away pissed and ran right into Ben.

            "What's wrong with you!" he screamed at Sephy, pushing him hard against a wall.  These two got along worse with each other then they did with Cindercloud.

            "Nothing!" Sephy hissed, "Outta my way; I got a date with someone."

            "Shut up you slut!"  Ben slapped Sephy, the start of a catfight.  (interjection #3:  Thanks for putting me in man clothes, but if you don't turn me into a MAN…I'll cast SUPERNOVA!!!)  _Author's note, from now on Cindercloud, Ben, and SEPHIROTH will be referred to as HE…okay Sephy, you can put your sword down now._

            Anyways, it was like this everyday.  Cloud would work her…um HIS fingers to the bone.  Sephiroth would go out on dates, after all he strutted around in that yummy trench coat with that sexy silver hair trailing in the wind ~drools~ Sorry Cloud, you know I still love you…  Every day Ben got jealous of Sephiroth and tried to be just like him.  One of these days was just like any other, only this particular day a messenger dropped bye with a telegram.

            "Hello!" the main said, "you have been cordially invited (along with all other eligible ladies of the house) to a ball at the palace of King Justin.  Bring your dancing shoes, but DON'T bring your bet snake!"  He handed Cindercloud a telegram and walked away.  When Cloud ran to tell everyone it happened something like this…

            "Mike's Mom, Mike's Mom!!!" but Mike's Mom had disappeared.   In fact, Mike's Mom hadn't been seen since the hot water incident.

            "THE SEARCH FOR MIKE'S MOM CONTINUES!" Ben screamed out holding up a picketing sign that had appeared from nowhere.

            Sephiroth picked up his sword again.  "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT CINDER-RETART!?!?"

            "Castle d-dropped m-mess-enger bye with p-p-palace in-vite!" Cloud managed to stutter out, backing away from the sharp blade.

            "What about the castle dropping a mess on a palace?" Ben asked being almost as retarted as Cloud.

            "I SAID…a messenger dropped bye with an invite to the palace!  There's gonna be a ball!"

            "A ball?" Justin cried out.  For some retarted reason he was now dressed like a rubber ducky.

            "Yeah!" Cloud responded.  "I hope it's a big rubber ball, so big we can all play catch with it."

            "HOORAY!" Ben retorted.  The two of them joined hands in a dance of joy, when they were distracted by Sephy's blade coming between them.

            "URUSAI!!!"  A ball is a DANCE you retarted retarts!  And YOU!" he said slapping Ben upside the head with a carton of rotten eggs, "You aren't supposed to be so nice to that Cinder-Retart…didn't you read the script???"  Ben released Cloud to look at a stack of papers.  Upon flipping through the pages, he paused, and shoved Cloud away.

            "He's right!  Get away from me, your retartedness is prestigious!"

            "Don't you mean contagious?" Sephy asked as a large sweat drop formed on the back of his head.  Cloud grabbed it and ate it.

            "Mmm…sweat drop!"  Sephiroth threw a cardboard cut out of an elephant dressed as an atom bomb at Cloud.

            "Don't touch me FREAK!  And you ARENT going to the ball!"

            "I thought you said there wasn't a ball!" Ben cried out.

            "SHUT UP!  Cloud's staying here, we're going to a DANCE.  A D-A-N-C-E, NOT A BALL!!!"

            "Why can't I go?" Cloud whined.

            "Cuz the friggin script says so!"  Sephiroth screamed, just slightly irritated from his family's retarted antics.  Cloud looked at the script, agreed, and ran to the basement where he suffocated himself with rancid meatloaf.

            The night of the ball…dance, came and the two brothers left.  Sephiroth was wearing the usual, his black clothes…looking quite yummy.  Ben was dressed…in a black trench coat and black pants?  He was dressed just like Sephiroth, only with short blonde hair.  He was trying to be like _him_ again.

            Cindercloud was still in the basement, wishing to go to the ball.  He placed his head down onto his hands…wait, no…he lifted his head, his face covered in tears.  What was that sound?  In the window was a soft glowing light.

            ~tap tap rappa tappa tap~  The beat against the glass was enough to provoke cloud into a song, like a bad Disney movie.  Tappa rappa tap tap tappa tap!

            The words came to him with no warning.  Strange music protruded from nowhere and the beckoned words shot from his mouth… "Everybody come see the grandpa tree, eating away at its very own leaves, everybody come see the grandpa tree…"  He couldn't fight the words and the tapping grew louder, as the window shattered and a strange thing called a Mike flew in.  Mike had wings, extremely short hair, and glasses.  He also sported a pink tutu, and a wand.

            "Kill it!" Cloud screamed hiding in a corner.  "Kill it NOW before it eats me!"

            "Shut up you retarted retart!  Don't you know what I am?"

            "Die die DIEEEE!!!"  Mike smacked Cloud on the head with his wand.

            "Shut up I said!"

            "But you asked…"

            "Shut up!!!"  Mike calmed some.  "I'm yer retarted fairy mike mother."

            "You're my mother?"

            "Shut up shut up SHUT UP!"

            "But you just said…"

            Do you want to go to the ball or NOT?"

            "But there isn't any ball…we've already been through this."

            "The DANCE, the DANCE!!!"  Cloud nodded.

            "I like to dance, but I don't have any pretty clothes."

            "That can be arranged."  The wand came down on his head once again and he found himself in a pretty lacy frilly dress.

            "Golly gee, I feel pretty."  Cloud picked up his dress to practice his curtsey.  "Now how do I get there Mike Mother Sir?"  Mike waved his wand some more over the moldy meatloaf that was rotting on the floor.  It turned into a self-propelled coach and cloud hopped in.  "Thanks MR!"  The meatloaf trotted off towards the palace.  Mike sighed, glad his job was over, when he realized he was forgetting something.

            "WAIT!  If you aren't back by midnight the spell will break!"

            "Okay, I'll remember to scratch your back."  Cloud hadn't heard a word.

            When Ben and Sephiroth reached the castle, they were greeted by many beautiful women.

            "Hey," Ben giggled…"I think we're the only guys here."  He was right.  The king, Justin, had planned the ball for his two lovely daughters who had been constantly pestering him for a social gathering for them to find husbands at.  Justin agreed, but mad it a point to only invite girls.  What he didn't know, was Sephiroth, Ben, and Cloud were al boys.  All the ladies swooned over Sephiroth, leaving Ben jealous as usual.

            "What's he got that I don't have?" he screamed.  One of the ladies turned to him grinning.

            "He has silver hair!"  At that moment Ben vowed to die his hair silver.  They entered the castle and music rang through the air.  Seated high were two princesses of royal stature.  Princess Jen ad strawberry blonde hair which she kept held back with a black bandanna she never took off, and was probably the only one there wearing a black tank top and a large pair of blue jeans.  Jacinta, on the other hand, was a girl of unsurpassing beauty (actually she was a retart with horrendous looks, dish water blonde hair, stupid glasses, and had purple crayon lodged in her teeth, but who wants to picture a princess like that?)

            Both men's attention was drawn to Jen as she waved flirtatiously in their direction.  "Stay away, I saw her first!" Ben screamed, pushing Sephiroth away.

            "No way in hell, that lovely morsel will be MY snoogiepied watermelon!"

            "Schnoogiepied watermelon?" Ben giggled.

            "Snoogiepied, NOT schnoogiepied!!!"

            "Gomen, gomen, but still, can't you do better than that?!?!"  The music stopped and the lights dimmed as a beautiful creature, reeking of rotten meat loaf entered the room.

            "Konnichiwa!  Watashiwa hime desu…yoroshiku!!!" she shouted energetically.  Jacinta stood up, hearts in her eyes.

            "Sono hito was KIREI DESU…DAISUKIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!"  She would have fainted but the script ordered her to talk to Cindercloud.  Jacinta wandered down from her pedestal to meet the lovely lady.  It was instant love as the two began to dance.  "Ah beautiful hime-chan," Jacinta whispered to Cindercloud, "what is that delightful smell?"

            "Rotten meatloaf," he responded.

            "Simply delightful!"  The two of them were dancing in eternal bliss.

            Meanwhile Ben and Sephiroth were fighting, still, over Jen.  They were having a duel, in a sense, to decide once and for all which was sexier…a WALK OFF (disclaimer note, this idea was indeed stolen from Zoolander)

            A large crowd had formed around the two men.  Sephiroth went first as strong music guided him along the floor.  He strutted along, removing his trench coat.  Half of the girls fainted and suffered severe nosebleeds…Jacinta was one of them…(sorry Cloud…but its SEPHY…SHIRTLESS!!!)  He must have been losing his touch, only half?"  Ben went next, swaying to the music.  He took out his secret weapon, a bottle of evion.  He paused in the middle of the floor and poured the water over his head…anything to win the affections of princess Jen.  The water trickled down and the girls on the floor killed themselves, while half of the remaining girls fell.  As a big finish, both men faced each other and performed the final blow.  Simultaniously they faced the remaining girls and performed THE LOOK!!!  Any girl in a twenty-mile radius (and some guys) collapsed…except princess Jen. She had fallen asleep and missed the entire thing.

            At that, the clock struck twelve and Cloud bolted from the scene, leaving the princess dead on the floor.  He reached home just as the meatloaf coach deteriorated.

            "Where the hell have you been?" Mike screamed. "Its way past midnight!  What did I tell you!?!"

            "What about you young man?"  Mike's Mom shouted.  When had she come back?

            "DEATH!" Mike screamed, disappearing.

            "You went to a dance didn't you?  DOWN TO THE BASEMENT NOW!!!"

            "Yes ma'am."

            "And get me HOT WATER!"

            "H-hai!"  Cloud ran to get the water but this time accidentally dumped it on Mike's Mom.

            "I'm melting, meeeellllting!!!"  Mike's Mom faded away and was never seen again. Mind you she can't die, she just disappeared…the mom is out there.  Anyway that was the end of the weird events for that night.  After a couple of days, word spread through the kingdom that both women had fallen in love the night of the ball, no not the kind that bounces.  One of the girls was in search of the princess that smelled like meatloaf.

            Knowing what Cindercloud had smelled like, and fearing the princess being Jen, Ben and Sephiroth shoved Cloud in a box and awaited the visit to the house.

            The knock at the door startled them.  Ben flew to see who it was.  Upon inspecting the peephole, he realized it was princess Jen.

            "Where is rotten meatloaf when you need it?" Ben screamed realizing Sephiroth was already rubbing it over his body.  "Give me that!" Ben screamed louder ripping it from his brother to attain the scent.   A loud bang was heard and Jen entered.

            "GAWD its stinks in here!" the princess cried out just before she noticed the beautiful young men.  "This is the house!?!?!?!  You mean I found you?"  She took note of the identically dressed men and grinned.  "I'm in LOVE!" she sang.

            "Ben slugged Sephy, "she loves me!"  
            "NO!" Sephy replied smacking Ben.  "She loves ME!  I smell more like rotten meatloaf than you!"

            Jen pinched her nose, "That stuff smells like yuck…why would you want to smell like that?"

            Sephiroth hit Ben again.  "I lied!  Ben smells worse than me!"

            "I do not!  You used more meatloaf than me!"

            "Did someone say meatloaf?" Jacinta cried out, entering the small house.

            "Quite fighting idiots!" Jen shouted over the retarted chaos as the fight continued. "I love both of you!"

            Cloud burst out of the box.  "Hooray!  She loves them!  If she marries them I'm FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

            "HIME DARLING!" Jacinta screeched while glomping Cindercloud.  "Will you marry me?"

            "Only if we can have a big ball…" (yes the kind that bounces)

            "A ball, hooray!" Ben blurted out with glee as he began to dance with Cloud.

            "Aren't you two supposed to hate each other?" Sephiroth screamed as a vein popped from his head.  Jacinta promptly ate it.

            "This vein is yummy!" she sighed delighted.

            "Doesn't ANYONE read the script?!?" Sephy shouted more than a little irritated.

            "NOPE!" Jen sniggered as she attempted to glomp Sephy.

            "Kill me now!" Mike cried from nowhere for some retarted reason.  "Put me out of my misery!

            Everyone moved to the palace and lived happily ever after!!!

AUTHOR'S CASTING NOTES!!!

Okay, if you read this entire thing then you deserve to know a little bit about the characters.  First off I am Jacinta, the eternal narcissist…with no right to be one.  Ben is my friend Jen's boyfriend, but Jen's so obsessed with Sephiroth that he actually gets jealous of a fiction character…hence the wanting to be like Sephiroth and always fighting part.  No I'm not obsessed or partial to Cloud, but its fun to write stupid stories with him in them and…oh well, so that's the skinny on him.  Justin (barely mentioned) is known for his fear of snakes.  One time his friends put a snake into the bathroom with him in it and needless to say he flipped out.  I unfortunately wasn't there to see it, but I'm sure it was funny.  Finally, Mike is just mike, but he has an evil mom who kinda left and disappeared and stuff.  They actually had a picketing event for the search for Mike's mom, and Justin was taken in by the police who thought that he was stoned…okies, that enough of my rant and now you have a general idea what some of the inside jokes are.

~Centi


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